All the feelings

Ups and downs  
Since returning from Nanjing, my head and heart have been an emotional swirl, now in a general upward swirl as the momentum and adrenaline of Heck Yeah Let's Do This is taking over with t-minus 15 days left in the US.

But many of my emotions are not China-related, while at the same time also very much China-related. Everything is connected. Butterflies flap their wings in China, and a monsoon lands in Detroit, right?

Anyway. Last weekend my sister came to visit with her son, my (first!) nephew, and it was a beautiful time. It was our first introduction and he's even more precious than I could have imagined. He is like her: a lovely, serene and sweet soul. (A side note about my sister: she is literally the most calming person I know. Being in her presence is just a balm, she radiates peace. She is nothing like me. :) )

I relate to my nephew differently than other babies I have met. While being an aunt is not like being a mother, it's also not like meeting a friend's baby. It is its own special thing. I felt an instant connection to him - like I'm his special guardian, but without all the baggage and anxiety of am-I-doing-this-right of parenthood (heh, sorry kids!). With my nephew I can just scoop him up and love him to pieces and hand him back if he fusses...this is what everyone has always said about other people's kids that I was able to experience myself.

But with my sister's visit and her new motherhood I feel we have bonded even closer and the fact I'm leaving makes all this achingly bittersweet. And big. Imposing. Huge. Everything is changing. And some of it is great, but all of it is new and a tad frightening. And the world is going crazy too, which doesn't help. And since she left I have been on the verge of tears at inappropriate times, like at the Whole Foods cheese counter.

Cheese Guy: Hiya, what can I do for you?

Me (what I actually said): Oh, I'm just looking for some gouda.

Me (what I was saying in my mind): I'm looking for world peace. I'm looking for everyone in the entire world to stop fighting and realize how good life is. I want everyone to stop wasting time on things that don't matter. And I wish I was President of the world and I want to lift everyone out of poverty and throw all the guns and McDonald'ses into the ocean. I want everyone who misses someone to be with that person. I want everyone who is sick to be healthy. I want everyone who has died to come back to life. I want utopia. Because I'm feeling overwhelmed. And also maybe I want some nice gouda cheese.

I fully acknowledge that every interaction I have with people right now is weird. I'm just going to own it. I stare goofily, wanting to blurt out to random passers-by, "You are so beautiful and you don't even know it!" I suppose I could get it across in a cool motivational speaker kind of way if I didn't look absolutely disheveled, exhausted, and insane. Like if I had on a maxi dress and chunky necklace and had actually bathed sometime in the last 3 days. So I say nothing but my glassy eyed stare is probably doing all the talking for me. *Sigh*

Reality is that everyone and everything looks more beautiful and precious and special to me right now. Maybe it's because I'm leaving this place and I want to linger just a second. I think it's a similar reaction to when graduating, or leaving a job you didn't hate but need to move on - you get sentimental; extremely so. You don't want things to end and at the same time you can't wait for new things to begin and you feel like you are cheating on your past with your future and it's all just a sad-but-exciting jumbledy mess.

You want to tell your past, "No, really, you've been great! But I can't ever see you again! I'm changing in permanently life-altering ways, but you didn't do anything to make me want to do that. I hope you're not mad...even though this is the end." It's extra weird when you feel like this conversation is not happening with people around you, but to yourself. I'm guessing someone one there knows what I'm trying to express here...

I blurt out, "I'm moving to China" regularly. Mostly to check-out line employees. Because I forget something I might need in China on a daily basis and am taking way too many trips to Target and Costco. So once I get to a check-out counter, I land on a moment where I have nothing to do. I'm held captive by the beep-boop-beeping of my almost-belongings past the scanner and I just wait there, limp with release of thought and action. I suppose I could distract myself with my phone, but that's rude. So instead I blurt "I'm moving to China" to explain my demeanor. And why my grocery list is an improbable combo of things like gouda cheese, 2 rolls of duct tape, 8 boxes of tylenol, bathing suits and chocolate chips.

Grief
On top of moving to China stress and excitement, there is also what I experience every summer: my father's death comes back to life. As soon as June hits, Cancer Diagnosis, Uncertainty, Decline, and Death start their march into my consciousness just as they did in June 2007. A friend just posted this most excellent quote, "Grief changes shape but never ends." ~ Keanu Reeves

Mr. Reeves has hit the nail. I am now permanently grieving and/or healing from grief, which sounds dramatic, but isn't. Immense, but simple: death brings grief, and grief is permanent fixture. Or perhaps a permanent removal of something. Like if I were to lose a limb. At the very least it is a state-change. But the psychological expression of this grief-state-change is that my awareness of death is ever-present and salient. Sometimes it is expressed as a fear of dying. But other times it is expressed as a desperately mad attempt to live this undeniably glorious life to its fullest.

China is giving me new life in this way. And in my happiness and excitement, I am also missing my father. I am missing the person I may have been if he were still alive, celebrating the person I have become without him. Oh geez it's a complicated thing: a woman losing her father. There's a great book written about it a friend gave me and I read shortly after my dad passed. The author has now gone on to write feline murder mysteries... (!) I mean, talk about a new life, right?

There is SO much waiting for me. I've been knocked over and I'm getting up in China. It's just so exciting.




My first week in Nanjing


I'll start at the end of my trip, with a delightful young Chinese bellhop squatting down and playing with my son's hands in his stroller. We were on our way out of the hotel to the airport, going home. He was legitimately happy to see my son. (This was very common in China: men, women, all ages, all wanted to talk to my son, take his photo, take a photo with him, etc. Yes, he's white, which is considered exotic, which is funny to me, I certainly don't feel exotic. I will definitely be writing a post on my experiences as a minority in China, but I really also get the impression that they love babies, period.)

"I love babies!" he said, almost apologetically, like he knew he should be working, or he thought perhaps I'd want my son to myself, or something. But he just couldn't help himself. He continued to make this tongue-clicking sound (like their version of coochie-coo) every Chinese person seemed to make at babies, and ask me questions about my family.

"I have a baby sister, I babysit her all the time." It wasn't clear if this was present or in the past. He pressed, "Is this your first baby?"

"No, my third. He has an older sister and an older brother."

He smiled like I just told him Howard lived in a house made of gold, "Oh yeah? Wow! He's the most happy guy!" he gushed. Beijing has only recently loosened the one-child policy, so a family of three is a bit rare.

He's the most happy guy. I have been repeating this phrase over and over in my mind since leaving Nanjing. He also said it about Mike, that Mike is a good babysitter and that he is the most happy guy because he has such a big family.

I think this phrase, and this young man's sentiment captures so much about what I learned about Chinese culture in my very short week in China. The Chinese love family - it is critically important to them. This love is built into many aspects of their culture, most notably to me in the family-style nature of meals. You do not order a meal for yourself. You, along with others at your table, order some dishes, and you eat them all together, sharing plates, no worries about double-dipping your chopsticks, (or if you're worried, too bad, it's just what's done!) In other words, it doesn't really work to eat alone. Generally you are served too much food, and the dishes have no sides, so if you wanted to order "sides" you would get multiple heaping plates and absolutely have to share them with someone else.

When we visited a daycare, I was amazed by the fact there were as many family members of the children as there were employees to care for them. The grandparents come to daycare to hang out with their grandkids whenever they want. I found that wonderfully sweet (if not a tad confusing - I kept asking the daycare owner who all the people were, why they were there, if we were required to be there for certain times or something...) At the hotel buffet, a young girl in her 20's was serving her father or grandfather breakfast in the buffet line - he looked capable of doing it himself, but I got the sense she was serving him his food out of respect. (I could be wrong about that.) At a dance performance at the Nanjing University of the Arts I was heartened to see very young kids and very old grandparents all attending the performances together. You see this everywhere. People are everywhere.

So, how was it?
Overall? Amazing! Exhausting! Scary! Fun! Every emotion and experience I've ever had in my entire life was experienced in one week. I truly believe this is the taste of what the next 3 years will hold. A very wild, very interesting, very fulfilling ride.

What was the food like? 
I could write a post about the food alone, but here goes. The food was indescribably delicious. I ate everything I was served and tried to be open-minded. Our first night in the hotel we were both still wide awake at midnight and called room service for a giant, spicy and piping hot, ceramic bowlful of beef with noodles with chilis and cilantro.

Within the first 24 hours of arriving in China I (perhaps stupidly) ignored the warnings of my travel doctor: "don't eat street food and don't eat any raw vegetables, especially salads." But the sights and smells of the food were too alluring! I have become hopelessly addicted to pai huang gua (smashed cucumber salad), which I cannot yet approximate at home. It's simply cut up, smashed (I know!) cucumbers, with lots of garlic, liberal amounts of oil, and what I can only imagine is Chinese magic because there are only 3 ingredients to this thing and I cannot seem make it taste the same myself. The garlic is always too strong. Maybe sugar? I don't know! It's amazing though.

I ate a meal from one of the favorite street vendors of the Nanjing University of the Arts students: ji dan bing. Imagine a spicy cabbage omelet wrapped in a flaky, oily bun smothered with a rich, thick red chili paste, piping hot, smashed in half into a tiny, ultra-thin plastic bag that by some miracle didn't melt from the heat off the food cart. I was wary. Egg and cabbage? Was this cooked in gutter oil? But I was starving, jet-lagged, and several young women from the University were staring at me eager to taste it. I kept telling them it was too hot, and it was! Furthermore, we were making a spectacle of ourselves and I just wanted eyes off of me. We had held up traffic for several minutes as Mike needed to detach our car seat from our van, haul it onto the street and attach it to a trolley so we could walk around with the baby, while I stood there with him strapped to my person in a carrier looking terrified, I'm sure. We may have been one of the most bizarre things some of these people had ever seen. There might be pictures of our harried faces and our laowei baby on Weibo somewhere. Anyway. The ji dan bing was delicious. I could eat one every day, gutter oil or not. The rest of the week I kept asking Tess, our tour guide, if I could have another bing and she kept thinking I was asking for beans. It was a confusing time.

Our hotel had a breakfast buffet filled with both Chinese and Western fare. I dove right in to the noodle bowl stand and didn't look back. (Okay, I admit I did try an American-looking pancake one morning, and it was filled with spicy chili paste! Yes! I love that something weird like that happened like everyone told me it would and I was still totally fooled!)

But nooooodles. I think I had a noodle bowl for breakfast and dinner every day. (Lunch was always some kind of adventure with our tour guide, Tess, who took us to some of her favorite spots which all served dumplings...which I'll get to in a second). There is nothing more satisfying than a piping hot bowl of noodles in a light, fragrant broth filled with blanched veggies, maybe some seafood, and a smattering of sauces, condiments and always fresh cilantro. Mmmmm. And dried shrimp. Dried shrimp are something I'd never had and they are basically like crunchy, salty flakes of shrimpy goodness. I don't know how else to describe them, and their little black eyes staring at me didn't deter my enjoyment in the least. Slurp slurp. I also finally discovered why the slurping. (It cools the soup as you slurp, duh!) It's so pragmatic and I now slurp with gusto (though Mike protests at how quickly I've adapted. Heh.)

I have never tasted anything like the dumplings in China. My favorites were from this little hole in the wall place near where our new home will be (yay, clearly I'll be eating there daily) where we got at least 4 varieties of dumplings that were all different and all delicious. My favorite was the pine nut and corn dumpling. First of all, at least I have never thought of those ingredients together in Chinese food, but they were delicious! There was a spinach-filling dumpling, a pork and cumin filled dumpling, and some other kind I don't know what it was but it was also delicious. They dip the dumplings in vinegar and this chili seed and oil stuff that is everywhere and I have been craving like mad since being home. I have returned to our local market that I used to think had "the good Asian food section" and have been super disappointed. However, our Chinese teacher said a new Chinese super market with a little restaurant inside just opened in Madison Heights where the Michael's used to be. I'm going to head there soon.

Other things about the food - I'm still really concerned about the general safety of the food - and not from a food poisoning standpoint, since we didn't get sick and pretty much broke all the "rules" of what not to eat in China, but from a general pollution and chemical-laden-ness standpoint. I will probably be getting all our food from the giant Metro or Carrefour stores (German and French owned, respectively) which are like the Costcos of China, just to be safe. But I will definitely not turn down local fare from time to time - and my dream is to find some cooking classes to take so I can make this stuff at home and then start a food truck when I return to the States one day. :D

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about my first scone in China! It was okay! It was from a Russian bakery in a Chinese shopping mall. :D

Was it polluted?
Yes. It's really, really bad. The sky is gray. There is no sun. I would wake in the morning with dry, red eyes, difficulty breathing (in a "I feel like I spent last night in a smoky bar" way). Howard developed a bit of a wheeze within a few days. (I know, I know, I totally freaked out.) That said, we were out and about every day because we had to be for this one week. This is not normally how we'll spend our days. Coco's school is like a fortress of purified air, and I have decided to homeschool Milan so our home will also have air filters in each room. Needless to say I will be obsessed about this and will take every possible precaution to protect myself and my family.

We have spoken with several doctors (and rely heavily on information from this well researched, evidence-based site about pollution and living in China by a doctor who lives in Beijing which is the worst city in China for pollution) who have assured us that as long as we aren't outside performing strenuous exercise all the time, then there is very little likelihood we will suffer long term health problems from the pollution, but that's not a reason not to be careful, especially with such young kids.

Did you find a house?
Yes! Phew! We had to find a place to live in 4 days. In China. We saw some opulent options with 5 bedrooms and 5 baths dripping in marble and gold that were too much for us. And we saw stuff that is still making my skin crawl. So when we were shown a totally empty shell of a townhouse that could be finished with our input, in the area of the city (population 8 million!) that we preferred, we jumped at the chance. Our home should be done in September, and we move in July. We'll be living in temporary Residence Inn-style housing until it is done. I'm hoping this all turns out OK. We visited the home of another renter with the same landlord, and it was very nice. Once we are there and settled I will definitely post pictures!

Do you like the schools?
To say I like the schools would be an understatement. Both main options for schooling were mind-blowingly wonderful. Both had happy students, very happy families, very happy teachers, incredible facilities. It is clear the international communities in China are robust (and happy! this is one impression I was struck by over and over...) So, I'm incredibly excited for C's school to commence: the Nanjing International School, which is an International Baccalaureate (IB) school. The benefit of an IB school is that no matter where we live in the future, we would be able to maintain continuity in her curriculum. We have no idea what our futures will hold in this regard, but we are open to anything! (Obviously, lol.) She will have amenities available to her in Kindergarten which I didn't even have in college, so I'm slightly jealous and want to go to school with her!

We did find some good options for Milan, but we still had some concerns over air pollution (that is, the schools do not have strict air quality management policies) that were deal-breakers for us. I will be homeschooling him for the next two years, which will be its own exciting adventure, so stayed tuned for that! And Howard? Well, he's just going to bobble around like he always does. There are a couple of mom-baby groups I was told about, so I'm sure we'll find great activities for all the kids in and out of school.

Anyone who knows me also knows I have a voracious appetite for doing new things (maybe not always finishing them, ha!) so I have fantasized about a wide variety of things I might like to try, as well as lend my talents or skills to participate in my new community in different ways - whether it's music, finance, cooking, gardening, whatever! The international community seems so super welcoming and diverse and there will constantly be things to do if we want!

To this point, Facebook and the pioneering families already living in Nanjing have been an amazing resource. Imagine being in a city in China where you are feeling lost and disoriented and two women shouting your name like they are your best friends from across the room. This is the magic of Facebook and online communities - one of the women I had friended online and she recognized me at the tour of Coco's school. We all grabbed sushi together that same day and they both offered their advice and assurance about how things would go. What a balm for my soul!

How's your Mandarin coming along?
I'm really excited to learn Mandarin, but have serious concerns about my ability to do so. Apparently Chinese teachers are very complimentary, and when they say, "Your pronunciation is perfect!" What they really mean is, "You are trying very hard and that is the most important part!" I was unintelligible with my few phrases out and about, even with our tour guide/translator, hence the whole bing/bean situation. I know that I will have to do some immersion-style learning or it's just not going to work. I hope I can really push myself to learn beyond survival Mandarin! I think taking some cooking classes will help with this too - I'm going to be really motivated to learn how to talk about food. :)

Are you crazy?
I have thought about this a lot. I realize that when I say things like, "I'm building a house in China." Or simply, "I'm moving to China." People look at me like I'm an alien and I have to remember I'm doing something most people consider a tad extreme. When they find out I have three kids they really question my judgement.

I will say this: for as long as I've known Mike he has talked about this possibility of an international rotation and I've always hypothetically said, "Yes." It's been marinating in my brain for at least a decade, and he's always revisited the topic with me. So when the real question was popped, I said, "Yes, but I have to see it first."

I will admit, there was a point on our first day when I very seriously questioned our decision to move our family to China. I was literally standing on the side of a road as busy as Woodward Avenue, holding Howard in my arms, waiting for a cab that actually had seatbelts so we could install the car seat we were crazily lugging all over the place (which no one could fathom why we needed and kept asking if we would just drive a few minutes without it) and it dawned on me that maybe standing on the side of the highway was more dangerous than not using a car seat and as I turned around to find a safer place to stand, I was nearly run down by piles of families on scooters in the scooter lane adjacent to the highway.

This was a very low point for me.

But I'm just glad it happened the first day because what I encountered over the next several days was great - I met some wonderful people with whom I hope to connect more over the next several years, ate great food, saw amazing things, and had a chance to envision my life in Nanjing which I can say will be a delightful challenge.

What else?
I don't know. I can't think right now. I'm just now getting over my jet lag and some kind of nasty flu-like cold that has run through every family member. I will post more at some point, I'm sure. Post some photos once I can upload them. Any questions?


Butterflies

The pre-trip is tomorrow
In (under) 24 hours I will leave for China for the first time! Let me start by saying, I'm incredibly grateful for this opportunity. Many people never get to visit China during their entire lifetime - and now I am embarking on a journey that will change my life and my children's lives forever. We are essentially going to become different people than we would have ever become without going to China. That is exciting and daunting. It is a deliberate choice to throw ourselves into a life that most other people do not choose.

I think of my father, who did the same thing coming to America from the former Yugoslavia. He had no idea what it would hold, and he just jumped in with both feet. (Oh there are stories!) I know he would have told me to go for it.

I have been told point blank by many people they would NEVER consider moving to China, much less with 3 kids. In my mind there was never a choice NOT to do this, barring something extreme. Yes, the pollution does concern me, that's not a small thing, but it seems manageable, and other than that I cannot think of any good reason NOT to live there, given this incredible opportunity.

The pre-trip is intended to show us our new life, and at the end we sign on the dotted line, with full knowledge of what we are getting ourselves into. It's not a like a vacation, as we have a 7 day itinerary fully planned with trips to choose our home, our new doctors, our new schools, our new grocery stores, church, bank, post office...etc. However the evenings we will have all to ourselves and I hope we can get some great pictures and eat great food and experience some of the city on our own.

Novelty fatigue
I mentioned in a previous post that I'm just exhausted. I don't mean to complain or just be negative, but I have some legitimate concerns about my mental exhaustion - it's the kind of exhausted which sleep cannot improve. Like end of semester exhaustion, or for those of you who perform on stage, end of a run exhaustion. Trying to give my kids' birth dates to the pharmacist today was an exercise in futility. I repeatedly gave her dates that were scientifically implausible. Like kids born within 3 months of each other. She just looked at me funny and I blurted out, "I'm sorry! I'm moving to China. I have no idea what I'm talking about!" I think she felt bad for me. In my ill-fitting harem pants, stained t-shirt, and wild hair falling out of its ponytail I was clearly a woman who couldn't even if she wanted to.

I think that I am suffering from something I will now coin: Novelty Fatigue. I think as mothers we have to constantly learn to do SO many new things as our kids grow. Each new stage results in new challenges and I feel like my brain is stretched to its maximum with information, concerns, strategies, and solutions. Now adding a move to China I feel like my brain and body are going to stage a revolt from all the newness. It's a precarious thing - this living with kids. It's not like when I was 21, stupidly intrepid, traipsing through Italy and Croatia (mostly) alone.

With kids you are constantly running a program in the back of your brain: What Does Everyone Else Need? As I type this, I also hold in my consciousness my sleeping children, the approximate time they might wake, what they'll need to do/ eat as soon as they get up, the fact I need to pack for China and plan a schedule of events for the rest of the day to keep them occupied. I keep jotting notes on a sticky pad as I move around the house when something pops into my brain because I won't remember it 30 seconds later.

So, adding "Moving to China" to that program makes me feel like the whole thing is going to shut down and I'll have a BSOD in my brain. Meh. Whatever, there is literally nothing I can do about any of it - so...onward!

What I'm excited about
I have an easy crochet project and a book chosen (the Fuchsia Dunlop book) to read on the plane and our 12+ hour layover. (Blech! I hope I can pawn my baby off to excited grandparents who miss their kids and will bounce him on their knees!)

I am excited to finally choose our new home! I have never really had the opportunity to live someplace of my own choosing with the exception of a very shoddy little apartment in Clawson full of pot and tobacco smokers (despite the landlord claiming it was smoke-free AND one of the potheads nearly blowing the place up - long story) during the time between moving back in with my parents after college and then moving into Mike's house when we got engaged. Makes me wonder about the smoking situation in China...

I cannot wait to eat real Chinese food. My Chinese teacher told me I will very likely be able to take some Chinese cooking classes, about which I'm super excited. She also sent me the video to the right which makes me even more super excited. So much delicious food! I was even invited to get some legit xiaolongbao by one of the most lovely expats who have been my cheerleaders from afar.

I am excited to meet my fellow expats. I have a feeling I will make some instant friends based on the fact we are all crazy enough to leave our homes for China. Many of them have lots of kids which is also exciting.

I get to tour a Chinese Montessori kindergarten (maybe two?)! My brain is asploding with excitement over that one! Will have to get lots of pictures.

I also get to tour the Nanjing University of the Arts! My hope is to find some teachers there perhaps to study with, some accompanists who might work with me and get my singing chops back in shape. I have no idea what kinds of musical opportunities there might be, but I will take any I can get.

I will get to visit our church which has a fascinating history. Maybe they will let me cantor there?

I will say this: I have had a lifetime of exposure to other cultures through music and food, for which I'm eternally grateful. When I listen to Chinese music and eat authentic Chinese food (or just dream about authentic Chinese food) I become so excited and feel totally at ease - unlike when I ruminate over things like, "But there's no Costco!" I feel like if I can "get" some elements of a culture like art, music, and food - I can acclimate to the rest of it, and it doesn't feel at all foreign. I can be right at home. And pretty soon, Nanjing, China will be my new home. My wish is to fully embrace all of it. (Yes, after a nap!)