Thoughts on pain

I just woke up from a dream where I was hugging my dad. He was warm. He said he was worried about me. That’s it. He wanted to know the truth about stuff. I don't understand what that means. It was weird. I cannot remember what we were talking about. I get excited when I see him in a dream, but I also don’t. It might as well be a movie. Because it is. And then I wake up and the heartache is strong.

Thanksgiving was a huge success. I had a nice party with my friend and my sister, my mother and her friend joined us later for dessert. The table was set so beautifully with linens and a vase from our wedding, it made me so happy. It also made me so sad to see the whole thing come together to learn what the behind-the-scenes of my mother’s life as my father's wife may have been like. I hate to think of all the mixed up stuff that went on. I hate to think of the night where she prepared a beautiful party and things went terribly wrong. I hate to think of it and yet I still do. I’m sure I’ll be haunted by these memories forever. I hang on and wonder – WHY? It hurts so badly: you have the dreams, the nightmares, the dwellings of thought. You feel like you will die at any moment, and sometimes you pray that you do. You are hurting, you cannot, in the stillness of your heart forget these things, these sad and tenderly hurting things. They are not dying away. They are infants of pain. They will be nursed into monsters of pain if…if what? I don’t know! I don’t know how to treat my pain so it doesn’t take me over. I don’t know how to tame my pain and anger so that it doesn’t lash out at someone else. I don’t know how to pull the pain from that hollow in my chest, from that depression in which it lies and feels so safe and secure. I don’t want to give my pain a home. But I also fear that if I don’t, if I kick it to the curb, it will come back one day to haunt me. How do I deal with my pain? Do I “process” it, like one does their weekly garbage, placing it in a receptacle for a bit and trusting someone will take it away, forever? Do I learn to use it positively? Like doing something creative with it? Blogging, art? Do I let it fester? What is the successful measure of dealing with pain? Are you fully functioning? In what way? Have you forgotten? Do you let the feelings wash over you and wash away? I suppose this is the best thing. You cannot force them away, they will fight.

You have adopted this pain, whether you wanted to or not. And spiritually, it is part of you, as much as your limbs are. It is a frightening thing for most people to feel their pain. They are scared and uncertain what to do with it, much like a newborn child, but you must not fear this. You, like so many others before you will learn of what it is to carry pain. You will see successful people, you will see this bit of brokenness in them, and you will finally understand. You will see those who created a monster and still, you will understand. You will see those who ignore the rage inside, or have left it for dead, you will see their blank eyes, and empty hollowness. You will understand them too. You will, because you will have seen all these choices, as they had been laid before you and you did not take one or the other of them. You chose, and perhaps only for today, to carry the pain, nurse it, and teach it to obey you. You are learning to be in charge and not to let the pain overwhelm you. You will let it teach you too – to help others in their time of need. You will keep the pain and you know it was born in the moment your father took his last breath and for this, you don’t mind. Your cross to bear? Your memory of him. Your love of him. Your strength and vision of him. The pain is a deep and sweet reminder of his life, at times. At times you will be overwhelmed by unbearable force. Sinking down. And you will not sink, but rise again. You will rise again and you will not suffer forever. Can you find some solace in this at least? Can you find the strength and will of God inside of you too? For where there is pain, there is also comfort, if you cannot manage your pain, if you leave it out, if you ignore it, so too, will comfort never be found. You cannot be comforted for that which you ignore and disown. You cannot reach a state of peace, rest, without the pain first. This is just how it goes, no matter how much you think it sucks. There is more pain to endure, and this is just a primer. This is not a threat, this is just life and the why’s and what’s of it all are useless to find out and understand. Sometimes. You will be fine. You will be okay, you will remember him, and in your dreams, he is again warm, and smiling, and having that way about him. You will remember him best when you have celebrated him most.