I've decided, while the "Reading Deprivation" exercise has it's usefulness, and I plan to return to it one day, I'm going to "allow" myself to read again. I must admit, not-reading at work has produced increased productivity and concentration, and I'm going to stick with it. Standing up and talking to co-workers may seem annoying, but it really cuts down on miscommunication. I had a great opportunity to be direct with someone today, instead of sending quasi-barbed emails and talking behind their back. It is interesting how gossip has less to do with gripes about another person and more about how the gossiper cannot seem to face their issues with that person, either through problem-solving through direct communication or permanently walking away. Whatever, I get sometimes it's not possible.
Regarding giving up not-reading. At a time filled with immense grief and doubts, when answers are there one minute and disappear the next, I need a book, an article, a distraction. I cannot seem to come up all the answers on my own. (!)
I have found taking away all reading materials has simply left me with an empty mind, which some might argue is a good thing, the only problem is that my mind almost immediately floats and clings to thoughts of my father, guilt, sadness, anger, and perhaps now more than ever, I need distractions and other thoughts to fill my head.
I have new appreciation for those who write. Whether it's "drivel or genius", it's all good.
At the time I was grieving Nancy, hardcore, I threw myself into sketch comedy and improv. It was all I had. Yes, I also fell into a deep pit 'cuz I didn't really ask for help BUT as long as you stay open with Mike, you'll be better that I was. So open those books and keep reading.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. Your mind needs a break from just feeling bad. It's totally OK to distract!
ReplyDeleteFor me, going to sleep got really hard, because if I didn't fall asleep right away then there was just me and silence and really horrible thoughts.
People kept telling me that good memories of my mom would eventually surface over the really traumatic illness-related ones. I find that's ever-so-slowly starting to happen.
Annie, Kronda - I am trying to stay open, trying to throw myself into the things I love and bring me joy, knowing my dad wanted that for me. I am trying to remember the good times and gracefully endure the bad. Thanks so much for your continued support. It helps so much knowing I'm not alone in my experiences.
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