Count Your Enemies, One by One

Okay – so more of my making up what the book “The Artist’s Way” is about. I cannot bring myself to buy it, yet. I seem to like reading other people’s blogs about it more.

This is an exercise of naming the Enemies of Your Creative Self. Here are my Greatest Hits:

1. The FBI and other shady characters. And I don’t mean Eminem. When you are 9 and come home to a ransacked house, federal agents leaving their card with you after school, mother urging you to hide and not answering the door until she got home in case someone tried to kill me, hearing the click, click, click of a phone tap tape running out, you begin to think in conspiracy theories and about protecting yourself. I didn’t feel safe, money was scarce and pursuing a creative field felt like financial suicide, still does.

2. Rotten classmates. Recently read a horrifying post on this one. In grade school I’d been punched in the stomach, damn near molested, and otherwise generally tormented and ridiculed by kids with rich parents. Add to this (some) of my colleagues in college. Egad. They didn’t realize that I could hear them talking about me through the vents in our house. Shame on you guys. At least I found a private location.

3. Teachers.

Mrs. N. accused me of plagiarism because my in-class essay was too good? Too good? You get punished for that?

S. Y. K. while well-meaning, told me to pursue a degree in biology instead of music. See, she was a vocal prodigy in Korea by the age of 10, and at the time she taught me, a single mother with a doctorate in voice, singing nursing home gigs, living with her mother, and teaching high schoolers. Seeing her glorious talent stifled freaked me out.

Mr. M. wrote me a mediocre recommendation saying something like, “She’s not the top of her class, but she’s reliable.” I mean, just turn down writing the recommendation if you are going to say something like that.

4. Boyfriends. I had one tell me, “It’s not like you’ll get the job, but it’s good to try.” Another, “No [future] wife of mine will ever kiss some dude on stage.” Dude…it’s acting. Oh, and they both cheated on me.

5. People at cocktail parties. “Oh, you’re an opera singer. How exactly do you plan on making a living?” As if I’d never considered such a thought-provoking question! Then, it just dawned on us both - we’d discuss luck, networking, and having something to fall back on like teaching. Thanks a lot, couldna done it without ya.....

Most of these relationships are based on trust, and then something needs to break for you not to trust them. You go on like this until the default is reset to Not Trusting, like me! That’s why it hurts so bad and burns so deep when people say stupid things.

You’ll notice my parents are nowhere in that list. Don’t you hear all the time about tormented stars and the parents who crushed their dreams? Then rising to success in spite of it all? i.e., Michael Jackson? Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky. Maybe with a little bit of “You’re worthless and your music sucks!” from my mom and dad I would have rebelled enough to make it to La Scala.

My mom is my biggest fan, comes to all my performances, has a great musical ear, and will tell me the truth. I can’t tell you how many times she urged me to start a duet with her (she plays piano) and tour the world performing on cruise ships, or how my dad, barely able to provide for himself, offered to find a way to help me pay to live in New York City or Italy to study and audition. They still have this innocent faith in me. (Yes, I said “they”). I recently brought my mother to tears by calling singing a “hobby.” It crushed her.

Try this exercise yourself. You can substitute the enemies to your creative self with whatever else you are interested in – sexy self, assertive self, peaceful self…should prove interesting. Don’t know what I’m to do with it though. Recognizing my enemies doesn’t make it easier to overcome them. I guess I need to buy the book....