Disappointment, Compassion, Reconciliation, Renewal

This week in The Artist’s Way is about compassion. I find it hard to have compassion for myself. I’d like to think this is why I sometimes find it hard to have compassion for others. I think part of my recent attitude problems might stem from this. Yes, I've had some attitude problems. I think about my mistakes. Oh, there seem to be so many, so overwhelming. The arguments with my family in particular are the hardest to bear.

I’ve been mentally whipping myself over personal issues surrounding father’s death, my wounds fresh, and now I’ve got to forgive myself? Or forgive myself for not forgiving myself? It’s all too convoluted. I’ve been trying to grapple with this and wrote a long post about specifics but decided against posting it for a few reasons:

A) While I’d love to apologize and know I should, I stubbornly still think I’m right.
B) God only knows who reads my blog and I’m afraid they will hate me.
C) I’m not ready.

Disappointment, Compassion, Reconciliation, Renewal is the progression that I think things have to take. Anyone?? I have to have some compassion before I can forgive myself or ask for forgiveness. I’m not there yet. That’s all. I know I will be. It’s not even been three months since my dad died. It feels like years, I miss him so much. I still want to be angry and hopeless sometimes. I want to still blame things, other people. I want to find reasons, excuses. I don’t know if I’m going through stages of grief or whatever, but I’m not ready to forgive and forget. Part of me thinks forgiving is forgetting. And I never want to forget.

I am stubbornly refusing to let go right now. My rage and despair has yielded a bit, but only to disappointment. Huge, bitter disappointment. And many times it doesn’t feel like moving on or healing. It just feels like sitting, like a lump. I’ll just have to let it sit there for now I suppose. When I force it, it feels false. It might go away, it might come back. Whatev.

Harsh. For everyone. I’m not oblivious to other’s suffering. I just hope they can also understand mine.