Jalousie

Today's soundtrack is un petit francais.

It sounds so much more romantic in French, doesn’t it? Jealousy? Naming people you are jealous of and why is another exercise from "The Artist's Way." (Which I finally bought!)

I have no trepidation with this exercise, I start naming names immediately. Maybe I should pretend it was difficult, so I don't seem petty and vindictive. It's less about vindictive and back to the whole self-esteem issue I seem to struggle with. I may experience jealousy, but I don't begrudge people whatever asset they have I deem more valueable than my own.

I’m jealous of Mike, for example, and his ability to have peace of mind. Peace of mind! That’s so sick of me. He is generally a very happy-go-lucky guy. Easy to make plans with, fun, generous, doesn’t get caught up in mental minutia. I realized that am constantly, unconsciously (I swear) thwarting his effortlessness with plans and complaints and activities and goals. I do things like make Excel spreadsheets for how many vegetables I eat and am incredulous when he shows no interest in playing along. How can he live without calculating every move he makes?

He, unphased by my shenanigans, goes along with some plans, trying to meet me halfway, as he sees the major battles going on in my mind and he does what he can. But nothing is ever enough for me, not because he is not enough, but because I am never ever satisfied. It doesn’t stem from jealousy, but jealousy is a by-product of my ‘unfinished’ life. I look at all these threads, leading nowhere and begin to enlist whatever resources I can to finish them with me. I am my own biggest resource, and Mike, being my husband, is an obvious choice. Also, considering he was the one who finally tied my thread to his, musically and romantically, he completed two strings in my life I declared I longed for more than anything else. You would think then that I’d be forever grateful, complete, and that I wouldn’t fret over some fraying in other areas of my life. No – I find thread after thread, bemoaning that I don’t have enough hours in the day, enough dollars in the bank, enough skills to pay the bills. (Oh come on, you were begging me to say that.)

So. Jealousy. I’d list all sorts of other people I’m jealous of, but I try not to name names lest someone finds my blog and gets mad at me. Although maybe they’d be flattered by my anxiety over them. Or maybe they are just as jaloux too.