Slut Birds and Divorce

I don't believe in divorce. I think it's for the birds.

Oddly enough - did you know that love birds are not monogamous? They are like the sluts of the bird world. A friend of mine first revealed this to me, and in checking her sources, it's true!! It seems birds are more cosmopolitan than we are - pairing for life but slutting it up on the side.

Their defense, from National Geographic News,

"Females benefit from promiscuity by improving the genetic quality of their young. A good provider is not necessarily the best sperm donor, so while the female builds a nest with her mate, she may sneak out and go sperm shopping for a male with brighter feathers, bigger body size, or a more glorious singing voice—all indicators of good health.

This widespread lack of fidelity led scientists to coin a new term: social monogamy—living in pairs but sexually unfaithful."

You have to admit, this is hilarious. Those wiley birds find a male to care for them and then seek the best genetic material on the side. Kind of funny when you think of people who release them at their wedding.

But what does saying, "I don’t believe in divorce" mean? As a Catholic, I don't consider it an option. And in defense of Catholicism, it's more complex than, "You can never get divorced." There are a whole host of reasons under which it is appropriate to get divorced, one being, if you lied to yourself or your spouse about why you wanted to get married in the first place, which is
totally reasonable to me. In that case, the marriage would have been a sham and an anullment would just tidy up it's state of invalidity.

In preparing for my own marriage, I found that the church made it pretty clear to us the ways we could determine if we were making the right choice or not. I appreciated the in depth pre-marriage religious counseling we had to go to. While I initially dreaded it, envisioning a repeat of the Jesus-Camp I was coerced into attending in high school, it was much different. I think it began a process of discovering why we felt so strongly about each other and if we had what it would take to make it. There was a lot less Jesus and a lot more us than I had expected. Stuff like family of origin, habits, finances, and other practical topics were on the docket.

Mike and I did not sign a pre-nup and swore we’d never mention the word divorce in an arguement, no matter how mad we were. As if it simply doesn’t exist for us. I think couples who believe in divorce, on paper, out loud, or in the back of their minds are always going to be thinking about it. Every fight, every strewn sock, every night out too late is going to be a tally mark towards escape. There is less of a commitment to make things work out.

In Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert illustrates this paradox of choice with an experiment done with college students who volunteered for a study in which they enrolled in a black and white photography course. At the end, they were to choose their two best photos to develop and after they were produced, were told they could only take one home. One group was told their choice was irrevocable, that once they took one, they could not ever have the other, non-choosers. A second group was told they could take one and had a time period in which they could change their minds if they wanted, choosers. Afterwards, they were interviewed and asked how satisfied they were with their photo choice, the non-choosers reported being much happier and pleased with their photos than the choosers.

The ability to choose the outcome led to a decrease in satisfaction, which is why I believe that similarly, in marriages when one or both couples have decided that “if things don’t work out” they have an escape clause. It’s just silly. Don’t get married. It’s not something to try and see if it works out. Anyways. I’m pretty old fashioned this way.

I suppose it’s because for the longest time I thought I’d never get married, and if I had kids I’d be a single mom. I thought that would be so romantic. I also envisioned myself making tons of money, wearing Armani suits and holding conference calls out of my work from home office while my maid/nanny watched the kids. Hehehe. Oh well. Life changes and I think for the better. It can be funny watching your belief systems grow and change over time. I enjoy the ride. A lot.