How to Become Quiet

Whoever searched for this is not at a loss for words, but I am.

I don't know how to solve a problem like not being quiet enough. I'm not loud. I don't think. Actually, now that do think about it, everyone that sits by my cube at work has recently started shutting their doors. To get some peace and quiet. I tend to yell a lot at work. You know, the whole "Shouting to Quiet the Thunder" thing...

But seriously - someone out there wants to know how to be quiet. I'm going to take a stab at it.

1. Time Yourself. Maybe you need to build up a tolerance for it, like learning to hold your breath under water. Start with small increments, like 30 seconds, 1 minute. See how that works.

2. Hold your tongue, literally. I know this is sort of a slimy option, but it's very hard to talk while holding your tongue. Oh, and don't try to be funny and recite that old nursery rhyme that sounds like dirty words when you say it holding your tongue. That's just childish.

3. Eat more. No one likes people who chew with their mouths full. Maybe eating continuously can shame you into silence.

4. Become a security guard or some other branch of law enforcement. Similar to the grandson who learns to walk silently on dead leaves in the forest from his grandpa, the Eldest Indian Chief, in those bucolic First Settler movies - I'm pretty sure police officers, detectives and the like are trained in stealthy, and silent, maneuvers.

5. See your local religious leader. Every religious discipline has some sort of meditative ritual which encourages practioners to be silent. Go find a friendly man or woman of whatever cloth you find appealing. They will undoubtedly be trained in these sort of techniques, and perhaps, have the answers to some of the burning questions that may be causing you to speak against your own will.

6. Skip caffeine and go to bed. One day on our honeymoon, my husband and I thought we had just discovered a great new fall coffee flavor, only to find sometime around mid-afternoon we both felt drugged and had to take long mid-day naps. Upon awakening, we realized the coffee was decaf. I haven't slept that good, or had so little to say in ages.

I hope some of my ideas have helped whoever was looking for an answer. If not, be more specific next time!