People Like to Yell at Penelope Trunk, I’d Like to Answer Her Questions

Yet again, Penelope Trunk’s blog incites riot-like response. Her recent post offers a maudlin vignette of a stay-at-home-dad. He's grateful his wife supports their household, yet seems dissatisfied with his life, and possibly had a mid-afternoon tryst to take the edge off changing diapers. Readers attacked both Penelope and the mystery man. This guy thinks it's all fake.

While the flurry of personal attacks were flecked with a bit of intelligent dialogue, my favorite comment came from “Sara” (emphasis added),

It’s hard to say for sure since the post is short and anecdotal, but what I gleaned from this story is that it sounds like the guy feels almost… justified (or at least doesn’t sound like he feels guilty) in his actions because of the role he’s in. If anything, it’s convinced me that personality is less affected by one’s daily role than I may have thought. I bet if this guy was a CEO and his wife was home with the kids, he’d be banging his secretary and still feel alright about it.

I don’t share Trunk’s views (based on her questions), though I understand the subject matter affects her deeply. Even if her interviewee is a phantom, it’s a topic worth ruminating over . Taking aim at a few of the questions raised, I found I had more of my own.

Trunk: Is being a stay-at-home dad any different than the life that Betty Friedan and Sylvia Plath worked so hard to get away from?

No, I don’t think it’s different. However, do we need to fight the homemaker’s lifestyle, whether a man or woman holds the title? What are we trying to get away from and who is stopping us? If we are looking for ways to be stay-at-home-parents and still be taken seriously in The World, (be it the business world, the indie rock scene, or a consortium of archeologists) let's address each particular challenge. I think it's a huge misconception and over-dramatization that being a homemaker is an oppressive institution like slavery that needs to be fought against. I believe it should be a personal choice that cannot be answered indiscriminately for women or men.

Trunk: Is the world really ready for stay-at-home dads? Will the world ever be ready?

There is no logical reason the world wouldn’t be ready. I’m curious what a stay-at-home-dad doesn’t have at his disposal that is so desperately needed? If it is validation from a high-powered wife; that is a legitimate need which can and should be addressed. If a couple who has chosen such an arrangement can't make it work simply because the husband is the primary caretaker, I think it points to a deep-seated divide in a marriage, not the child-rearing arrangement alone.

Furthermore, if a stay-at-home-dad feels he needs validation from the world at large, as it is not a common male role, he should file in the long line of publicly aired grievances, the least of which is staying home with small, innocent children. Plus, don’t we have enough to wrestle with on our doorsteps - wars, incurable diseases, and poverty - than to throw stay-at-home-dad’s plights in the kitty? I’d love to see a soldier in Iraq’s reaction to this man’s lifestyle. Some perspective is needed.

Trunk: Why is the world not talking about the downside of being a stay-at-home dad? Moms complain about this lifestyle all the time –when they are doing it — but men don’t.

Perhaps moms complain with more frequency, but women are emotionally hyper-wired, biologically speaking. Men are not, which is perhaps why we don’t hear from them on this topic. No amount of public awareness will change men’s bio-psychology.

Trunk: Do women respect their stay-at-home husbands? I wonder if women might have to work very, very hard to respect their husbands who stay at home. Perhaps gratitude comes easily, but respect takes a huge effort and a lot of mental tricks.

Again, I don't think there is a logical reason why women wouldn't, shouldn't, or couldn't respect stay-at-home-husbands. Perhaps the question should be re-phrased, "I wonder if women who married someone they don't respect in the first place have to work very, very hard..."

I’d respect my husband if he stayed at home because I respect my husband, period. If you need to perform elaborate mental trickery to respect your husband, you don’t. The delicate question which follows: Why have you married someone you don’t respect? If caring for your progeny caused you to revile him, you are shallow and stupid. Then I would agree with Penelope, you have to get to the hard work of learning to respect someone with whom you explicitly vowed to spend your life. Poor you. Poor him.