A few posts caught my attention over the last few days, all posing questions about marriage.
How do you know when you’ve found "the one"?
Why get married? Does it serve a purpose?
Would a Seven Year Contract make more sense than Lifelong commitment?
My own parents divorced when I was in college. In fact, I supported the decision. They were unhappy, so I figured, why not break it off? In retrospect, my views as an immature 19 year old were pretty much worthless. Today I would have a different opinion, but as we mature, we learn from our past to inform our futures.
Since I’m happily married and intend to stay that way, I thought I’d offer my views on what makes a marriage successful. I’m approaching my 9 month wedding anniversary, so many of you will feel tempted to smack me for broaching this subject, but I’ve witnessed successful marriages, and I’ve been lucky to have great examples to follow. Plus, I want to hear from you too, what do you think it takes to stay happily married? Here are my thoughts:
1. Don’t Demonize Each Other. When I first moved in with Mike after our engagement, I was comfortable complaining about the slightest inconvenience, until I realized how annoying I was to live with. A humbling experience is when you complain to your husband about his beard trimmings in the sink and then he points out your wicked habit of leaving empty paper bags all over the house. All. Over. The. House. I never knew I did that. If you were to walk in our house right now – I can guarantee you’d trip over a bag and there will be some beard hairs on the sink. But we’ve learned to accept a few of each other’s quirks and save the battles for things that really matter.
2. Make All Your Decisions As a Team. When Mike mentioned this bedrock of his parent’s marriage I was baffled. “You mean, the person closest at hand didn’t just decide?” As a child I would ask permission from whichever parent I thought would grant me a wish. That’s how I ended up enraging my mother with a waterbed purchase in high school, or how my dad was often blindsided by expenses for lessons or camps my mom might sign me up for. When you are both in on a decision, it will be better for the marriage and bring you closer, helping distill to what is critical. Mike might want to buy a new guitar or I might want to quit my job to become a yoga instructor, but together we are more likely include and understand the impact on the other person, not just pursue what will give us our jollies.
3. But You Say He’s Just a Friend. What do you do when the guy in your office wants to go running after work, or the woman at the coffee shop has an extra ticket to the basketball game? Do you say yes? This might sound painfully obvious to some, but I swear I see it all the time. “Oh, we’re just friends.” Here’s a whopping clue: your new playmate wants to sleep with you, steal your money, or both. You might be flattered that even when you’re “off the market” people can’t seem to keep their grubby mugs off of you, or you might be genuinely oblivious. Either way, it can lead to trouble, so just say no. If you need to befriend someone for networking purposes, find a nonchalant way to work your spouse into the conversation, or have him/her meet up with you at some point once business is taken care of. Nothing screams commitment like meeting it face to face.
4. Don’t EVER Say Mean Things About Your Spouse’s Family Members. Ever. Even if your wife tells you all the time she hates her parents, or your husband wants to strangle his brother (neither example autobiographical) don’t get comfortable spouting your own opinions about your spouse’s relations. Like them or not, these are the people who made your better half who they are today. If you have an issue with a family member, find a tactful way to raise your concerns. Never come outright and say, “Your dad is a total idiot.” It’s not okay. Think of a time someone has done that to you? I bet you didn’t like it. In fact, I almost got into a fist fight with a woman who called my mom a bitch. We had words. Very public words. Don’t go there.
5. Pretend You Met Today. Challenge yourself to discover new things about your significant other. What would you say to strike up conversation if they were a total stranger? Since I’m a newlywed, a lot of my old friends are still meeting Mike for the first time and they’ll grill him with questions I haven’t yet covered! For example, it’s exciting to hear his views on art history, or the time he went to a poetry slam in Chicago, things I know nothing about, so wouldn't have thought to ask. I try to ask questions beyond the, “Hey, how was work?” and get him to talk about ideas, feelings, or impressions.
These are the ideas I feel have made a difference in my marriage so far. The bottom line is a successful marriage takes work, acquiring skills, and paying attention to keep it that way, just like any other worthwhile venture.
I’d love to hear more great ideas, examples, or stories of successful relationships. Married people aren’t the only ones with something to offer either. Speak up:
What are other ideas you use with your significant other, partner or spouse?
If you are single, or divorced, what are some things you feel kept relationships from being successful?
7 Comments:
What a great post! We just had our three-year anniversary, so I'm still pretty new to the game, but I agree with everything you said. Another thing that helps us is that we have a joint account for "us" expenses and we each have our separate accounts to do what we like with. We always cover the bills and savings first and then we don't have to worry about talking to each other for small purchases (like lunch). I appreciate that you said marriage is work. I think that's why most marriages break down. It's not rainbows and butterflies 24/7, but it's still wonderful when you work at it together.
Great post, and thanks again for your e-mail. I just sent you an overly sappy e-mail, but your words meant so much to me - thanks again. I'm not married (yet). I'm 26, I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and I still don't feel ready for marriage. It's not him...I could be dating anyone and still feel the same way. I think it is also part fear of planning a wedding...ehh! But, these are great pointers for when I want to take that next step. I'm glad you have a good outlook on marriage...these days that is hard to find. So, good to see others are making it out there!
As half of a couple who recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, I say this is a great list. Always good to be reminded. You go girl!
@ Rachel - thanks! To be honest, my husband and I talked a lot about the "work" of marriage even before we got married. We thought it was a given, we're both sort of skeptics, so maybe we approached marriage more realistically than those who end up gettting divorced?
Great idea about the separate bank account - while I think it's good to make big decisions together, little ones certainly don't need to be nit-picked.
@ Diana - Thanks, and you're welcome! Marriage is work, but it is quite possibly the best thing I've ever done. I used to be pessimistic about marriage, so I'm extremely appreciative of my awesome husband! I know a lot of happyily married couples, too, they are out there!
@ Amy - CONGRATS on 15 years strong. I love that.
Two tips I got recently from a wonderful little book ( http://www.4-womenonly.com/ ) that I have already found extremely useful:
1. Women need love, while Men need respect. An interview among hundreds of married man showed that when a guy feels disrespected he feels he is not loved. When guy's opinions, work, and efforts are not appreciated at home, he will find their appreciation elsewhere. Women flattering a man's work in an office end up far more dangerous to a marriage than those wearing revealing outfits. The best way to avoid loosing your loved one is to show them you appreciate them and everything they bring to the family nest.
2. Financial infidelity is right up there next to cheating in the top 3 reasons that lead to divorce. Having a separate fun account is interesting, but hiding accounts and major expenses or diverting funds from the family wallet can be just as bad as sleeping with the neighbour.
@Diane Z. -
Number 1 is interesting, and I could see how this is true in my own marriage. I do make an effort to verbalize my respect for my husband more. I tend to think he should just "know" how much I appreciate him. I learned from another married woman that it is important to always say how you feel.
I also thought it was interesting that a flattering woman is more likely to draw attention than an attractive or promiscuous one. But it makes total sense. I would say most men would feel that if their wives didn't appreciate them, but some woman at the office did, they'd be happier at work! Maybe that is why I see so many men devote their lives to work, the gratification can be instant from colleagues and bosses, of both sexes.
Great food for thought.
The money and bank account issue is interesting. Marriage is about unity and togetherness, and this needs to flow over into the money arena.
We have 2 checking accounts, but they are linked so that we both have access to each account. However one is "mine" and one is "his." This way we can keep track of our expenses but still transfer money and let the other one know if we want to make a big purchase.
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