Let's Get Weird: A Step-by-Step Guide to Losing Your Mind

Does the prospect of perpetual stability and security bore you? Are you tired of cubicle life and yearn to be your own boss? Looking for a one-way ticket to madness and hysteria? Have I got news for you!

The sure fire way to achieve this dream is to quit your job and stay home all day. Whether it's to start/raise a family or become an entrepreneur, you will start to see a new and exciting side of yourself you've never known. Here are some tips I've learned first-hand for when you arrive to make your stay in crazy-land comfortable:

1. Don't Let Happiness Get in the Way of Budding Accomplishments. You are happy and it shows. You've achieved a life-long dream of independence. Now what? You may feel guilty about this turn of events. Use it to your advantage. Let the guilt you feel by the great gift you've been given mount until you cannot face yourself in the mirror, unless you happen to be Windexing it at the same time. Vow to keep the bathroom clean, the bills paid, your GPA up!

2. Envision Calamity. When things are going well and you have plenty of time to yourself, take a few moments about every half hour or so to envision every possible scenario that could go wrong in your plans. Think about what could be the greatest hindrance to your freedom. A layoff and foreclosure? A tumble down the stairs? Another FAFSA rejection and request for more info letter? Just let these thoughts soak right in, your heart should start racing any second now.

3. Since You Aren't Gainfully Employed, Consider Volunteer Work. But remember, charity begins at home. What better place to spend every single second of your time? There is a never-ending supply of things to do in a house, it's amazing. To be honest, you could not set foot outside for a full week if you tried! If you are lucky enough to earn some income from home, try to keep it that way, there is no need to do part-time work outside the home.

4. Kiss Your Balance Good-Bye, and Say Hello to Your New Best Friend. When you stay home for a living, no doubt you had some practical goals in mind and you should by all means attempt to accomplish them. You may have had some transient thoughts about achieving balance, but I'm here to tell you that is overrated. Instead of taking breaks between tasks, try to fool yourself into eliminating breaks with fun, timed sessions in which you can effectively pack every moment full of productivity. Going to the bathroom? Should take you 3 minutes. Windex within reach. Doing dishes? 5 minutes, do double-duty by standing on one leg to build up your ankle strength. My favorite ear-piercing timer can be set for each task so that you are constantly pumping yourself with adrenaline for the next one!

5. Avoid Human Contact! Nothing is more distracting than love, friendship, and the companionship of others. Try to categorically eliminate these distractions from your life by putting off socializing or even running errands so that you can avoid people completely. Try to manage most of your life on the internet, almost anything you could ever want can be delivered, with the exception of fresh produce. For an extra bonus, start a blog and by all means, get embroiled in bitter debate with total strangers who want to rip your face off. This will help perfectly condition that flinch and stutter reflex when you do have a chance to venture out in public.

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