In the Foxhole, and the View is Great

Marriage is a topic I find myself oddly passionate about, although if you are a regular reader, you know I tend to get riled up about anything, so why should marriage be different? I am married, and today is my one year anniversary. This is an event I find shocking because I spent years convinced marriage was a sham that only paid lip service to love, but was in reality a commitment to a life of misery and compromise. (Yes, my parents had a difficult marriage and divorced when I was in college.) While marriage is a huge commitment, and the only advice my father gave me was that it is wholly an exercise in compromise, it is far from a life of misery.

M--- and I call our marriage "the never-ending sleepover." Did you ever have that friend when you were young who you loved hanging out with so much, you would try to convince both your parents to alternate sleepover days in succession for as long as they could stand, take a day off and start all over again? Marriage is that fantasy come to life. M--- and I might fight over our sticker collections, but at the end of the day we still get to hang out together. Forever!

One of my favorite quotes about marriage has a source who I've misplaced, but for some reason I always imagine Dennis Quaid saying it. But nevermind that, it is still profound and one of the most perfect descriptions of marriage I've found, "Marriage is a battlefield, but the best part is that you are in the foxhole together." Absolutely. I have felt the attacks on marriage this first year. We were tested with trials that many couples don't have to face until well into their marriage. Mike lost two close relatives and I lost my father, all within weeks of our wedding. I suffered from grief and overwork and made the decision to dramatically change our lifestyle by quitting my full time job. These changes were not easy to absorb, but somehow we have managed get through with faith, tenacity, and humor; being ridiculously silly is our favorite pastime.

M--- and I peg each other as remarkable studies in paradox. We both think we are the most caring and wonderful people we know, yet sometimes we are convinced the other's heart is made of pure ice. Of course we've had our battles, but at the end they've always served to advance the territories we win over love and understanding. (I'll wait while you get over the nausea you no doubt experienced from that treacly sentiment...) Seriously, marriage is hard work, it's a ridiculous pursuit, but the rewards are beyond compare if you find the right person.

For what it's worth to those of you who haven't yet found a soulmate, Mike and I have distinguished the subtle signs we experienced when we knew we'd found "the one."

1. You become blind. You are not interested in anyone else. I actually felt repulsed by men who looked at me halfway-interested after Mike and I began to date. The thought of going on a first date with anyone else sounds horrid. You begin to realize you could never stomach re-telling family dramas or having to explain your sense of humor, "No, no...duck-billed-platypus...get it??"

2. The thought of breaking up disappears. You reach a moment where you simply say to yourself, "I'm not leaving. No matter what." You are not forced or asked to do this, it just dawns on you that leaving this person is an impossibility. When you get to that point, you set aside (or don't start!) the petty fights over the dumb crap that bothers you. You have to work everything out anyways, so it's best not to start.

3. You compromise, but it doesn't feel like compromise. You don't move to New York. He clears out his closet for your stuff and lets you put your floral crap everywhere. You stop bitching about his beard hairs. He learns to hug you when you cry over absolutely nothing. It works. You make it work.

What else can I say? I love my husband. And Boon, if you are reading this, your anniversary gift is below. I know it doesn't look like much, but it took a long time and a few favors to produce. I am not so technically talented, so I hope you like it.

Our First Year Together

All my love (and even my dog).