I've been teetering on the edge of calling myself a writer. It seems like hubris. The title implies far more than the occasional blogger.
Words have meaning. For example, the word amateur is often used to describe someone who has no mastery. Taken alone, this definition is perceived as negative. Anyone who has delighted in muttering amateur under their breath knows it is a satisfying insult. However, amateur really means lover of. Someone who engages in an activity doesn't require mastery to love it. When I first understood that word, I became content to call myself an amateur writer and be satisfied, because it accurately captures who I am.
I started blogging over a year ago, in response to stress from my father's illness while eagerly anticipating marriage. It was a brave and visceral response to my need to express myself, as there was no outlet that could hold everything I had to say. My dear husband, family, and friends alone could not have sustained the sheer force of emotion that I was facing, nor did I particularly want them to. It was easier to type and let a computer swallow up my thoughts.
My early posts range from sterile accounting to awkward poetry to floods of pain, anger, or grief. Those posts were great examples of amateur writing; bare, raw, unapologetic. Looking back, they could stand improvement objectively speaking. However, I would never change them because they accurately capture my ability (or inability) to communicate what the hell was going on in that horrifying and confusing time.
Writing has helped me process my life. I hope I've become a better writer and better person, by reviewing my thoughts, not just for clarity, but for content. Is this the person I want to be? Do I want to be saying this one year from now? Do I want to be changing?
Writing is a barometer. You can check in to my blog any given day and easily answer the question: how’s Milena feeling? You will know if I’m losing my mind, or on top of the world. I use my writing to keep myself in check. Reading a post from just a few months ago I thought, “Shit, I really said that?” So much has changed this year, it’s not surprising I want to take back some things I’ve said, but at the same time, we are all ugly ducklings in need of growth. If I never bothered to write down some of my uglier thoughts, I might not realize they need changing.
I leave you with a favorite quote, "Writing is a way of making the writer acceptable to the world — every cheap, dumb, nasty thought, every despicable desire, every noble sentiment, every expensive taste." William Gass
Subscribe to Quiet the Thunder, and I'll keep working on being the best amateur I can be...
Words have meaning. For example, the word amateur is often used to describe someone who has no mastery. Taken alone, this definition is perceived as negative. Anyone who has delighted in muttering amateur under their breath knows it is a satisfying insult. However, amateur really means lover of. Someone who engages in an activity doesn't require mastery to love it. When I first understood that word, I became content to call myself an amateur writer and be satisfied, because it accurately captures who I am.
I started blogging over a year ago, in response to stress from my father's illness while eagerly anticipating marriage. It was a brave and visceral response to my need to express myself, as there was no outlet that could hold everything I had to say. My dear husband, family, and friends alone could not have sustained the sheer force of emotion that I was facing, nor did I particularly want them to. It was easier to type and let a computer swallow up my thoughts.
My early posts range from sterile accounting to awkward poetry to floods of pain, anger, or grief. Those posts were great examples of amateur writing; bare, raw, unapologetic. Looking back, they could stand improvement objectively speaking. However, I would never change them because they accurately capture my ability (or inability) to communicate what the hell was going on in that horrifying and confusing time.
Writing has helped me process my life. I hope I've become a better writer and better person, by reviewing my thoughts, not just for clarity, but for content. Is this the person I want to be? Do I want to be saying this one year from now? Do I want to be changing?
Writing is a barometer. You can check in to my blog any given day and easily answer the question: how’s Milena feeling? You will know if I’m losing my mind, or on top of the world. I use my writing to keep myself in check. Reading a post from just a few months ago I thought, “Shit, I really said that?” So much has changed this year, it’s not surprising I want to take back some things I’ve said, but at the same time, we are all ugly ducklings in need of growth. If I never bothered to write down some of my uglier thoughts, I might not realize they need changing.
I leave you with a favorite quote, "Writing is a way of making the writer acceptable to the world — every cheap, dumb, nasty thought, every despicable desire, every noble sentiment, every expensive taste." William Gass
Subscribe to Quiet the Thunder, and I'll keep working on being the best amateur I can be...
7 Comments:
I struggled with the same thing, and I'll tell you what everyone told me - you're a writer when you decide you are one.
I only very recently began calling myself a writer. I didn't feel comfortable with the identity it gave me. After all, I'm not out to write the next Great American Novel, nor did I cultivate it knowingly, lovingly, or study it in college.
For those of us who stumble into writing wondering how we ended up here, I think it can feel like a label we're surreptiously taking up. Like we're fakes or second-grade writers. But we're not.
I embrace that I never realized I was a writer before. I think it's pretty awesome that my voice found me instead of the other way around. I didn't call myself a writer until everyone around me starting looking at me weird when I would say I wasn't one.
You're a writer, Milena. The words make it so.
@Holly - Your comment immediately made me smile. There is a boldness (and responsibility) in declaring oneself a writer. I might be clinging too strongly to vocabulary here, but as a writer-in-waiting, I suppose that comes with the territory.
To be honest, it's not an issue of quality, or how good I feel about something I've written, it's really just a mental roadblock.
This feels similar to the first time I called myself an opera singer, I had to wait until the moment was right: being cast in my first opera. Prior to that, I was always studying to be an...
I've set a secret goal for myself, and when it happens, I will call myself a writer...until then, I'm honored that you and a few of my closest friends & family say so! : )
Writer - one who writes? "I write; therefore, I am a writer?"
I wish it were that easy. For as long as I remember, I have written lists, journals, poems. I collect favorite pens, carry around blank notebooks. I spend time daydreaming about topics to write about.
I used to feel inauthentic when I heard myself saying "I am a writer." Then a funny thing happened. I decided real writers are paid to write. So, I wrote a couple freelance magazine pieces and began getting paid to do what I had been for free for many years. For some reason, I needed affirmation from someone else to feel I was worthy of the title "Writer."
Now I realize I was a writer all along.
So yes. You are a writer. You don't need outside affirmation, money, approval or even readers.
"You write; therefore, you are a writer."
Now, I struggle with whether I'm a blogger ...
I am a regular reader and I have to say that I really agree with all of the comments as well as the post. Like both Milena and Holly I have struggled with titles. I stumbled into writing at a young age but for the longest time did not consider myself a "writer", no matter how much I wrote or what I thought the quality of my work might be.
Now, as a public affairs officer by day and a free-lance writer and blogger by night - I think that maybe I am finally okay enough with myself to admit that maybe, just maybe I am now a writer...maybe.
great post.
I stumbled into blogging just over one year ago. Although I felt like a writer at heart, I didn't actually call myself one until I received my first paycheck for writing. What a thrill that was!
Now I say "I am a writer" without hesitation. It is what I do and who I am. Whether it is a paid gig or simply writing to write, I am a writer.
So are you.
Here is one of my favorite quotes on the topic...
A young man was once sent fresh from Columbia University with a mutual friend's introduction to Robert Frost. Frost scanned the young man's writings, then looking quizzically up through his craggy white brows he asked, "What do you do, son?" The young man drew himself up proudly; he was, after all, one with the great Frost. "I am a poet," he said. Frost gently answered, "The term 'poet' is a gift word, son; you cannot give it to yourself."
I wasn't a cartoonist until someone said I was. I drew cartoons all my life but never actually called myself one. Some might say it's when you get paid to do it, but I disagree. I could have gone my entire life without getting paid to draw and still love it just the same. I think by sheer response here in the comments section that we (the collective commenters) think you are a writer (a damn good one) and so therefore... you are. Put it on your business card!
Best,
Chris... the cartoonist.
@Chris - that's a great story. Also, I've been told that when we receive a gift, we must learn to gratefully accept it, so thank you to everyone hear for your kind words!
@All - I love hearing my thoughts echoed in yours. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has struggled with this. Not having studied writing formally always felt like a roadblock in my desires to write. But to be honest, blogging has been quite an education. I can see instant reactions to my writing, some good, some bad, and I have been feverishly studying far better writers than I to see just what kind of magic they had, if I might be able to steal a bit of it.
Above all, writing means a lot to me, it's been a salve during the most difficult times in my life.
I see it as a logical extension to every other way I choose to express myself, whether that is through music, economics, politics, writing is the way I deepen my love and understanding of everything else in life.
Maybe it is the meditation I've been looking for, but it's been here all along!!
Thank you again for all your wonderful comments.
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