Giving Up on Your Dreams

Photo by Dusdin
Do You Know When to Give Up?
There are so many articles out there about how to be the best You you can be. You'll hear phrases like, Reach for the Stars; Give it All You've Got. Less subtle attempts will brainwash you with: Challenge Your Old Paradigms; I'm So Happy and Grateful I've Got 12% Body Fat and Look Like Carmen Electra.

We've seen those hilarious mock-inspiration posters, but is there some truth to knowing it's okay to fail? I find there is rarely anyone who talks about when to give up. Why not? Isn't there a time to give up on something? Don't we give up and fail at things all the time? Maybe we should be happy about certain failures. In fact, how do we know we shouldn't have given up sooner?

The Bobby in Our Lives
On the scale of human accomplishment, I believe we are each given our own scale. There is Jane's Personal Best, which may look very different from Bobby’s Personal Best. We are completely different people, and while on one hand, I can look to Bobby and his accomplishments for inspiration and guidance, I may never, no matter how wonderful of a person I am, how many mantras I've chanted, and self-realization exercises I've completed, match Bobby’s achievements.

Bobby may be more handsome or intelligent, more outgoing and well-connected, more disciplined and focused, more willing to make sacrifices. Bobby may have simply won the cosmic lottery. Why then, do I bemoan not being Bobby?

There's a Bobby in all our lives. That man or woman we're trying to be like, or esoteric goal we've set that is out of touch with our abilities or desires. Despite having realized this, we doggedly pursue it, though we may never get close.

Your Narrow-Mindedness is Stopping You
I love this quote so much, though I'm pretty sure I've posted it before, here it is again. How narrowly you define your success is how widely you define your failure.If I had to choose a mantra worth repeating, it would be this one. It has led me so many fascinating places, I can't begin to describe how grateful I've been to realize my limitations in life. Far from making me feel like a failure, I know there are small successes when I can say, "I'm not willing or able to do that."

If we think up is the only direction in life, and we're not heading that way, we're going to fall prey to the false idea we're doing something wrong. However, there are far more possibilities in life that will make you happy that have nothing to do with conventional definitions of success: outward recognition, increased income, respect of your peers.

A few weeks ago I started doing a paint-by-number painting. This isn't exactly a "reaching for the stars" pursuit, but I don't think I've had that much fun in a long time. Paint by number is incredibly cheesy, sophomoric, and takes virtually no skill, but I loved it. By allowing myself to do things that are not at the pinnacle of human achievement, I can enjoy my life more.

The Paradox of Success
Since becoming ridiculously happy in life, I’ve wondered why I’m not always ridiculously happy. I mean, I’m living my personal dreams. I’m married to a wonderful man, I work from home, am getting a graduate degree, and am master of my own schedule. Why am I not dancing on rooftops like Mary Poppins? Because every time I accomplish something, it tends to narrow my field of vision. Because when I can cross something off my list, the remaining possibilities shrink, and so does my world. Because just like in the movies, where you see the happy ending, you forget that the next day Mary has to go to Trader Joe’s to pick up lettuce and find the right kind of tapenade for a dinner party. A few months later she realizes none of her furniture matches and she might have to compromise on favorite pieces. Years later she gains some weight and the kick-ass dress she wore that made her famous no longer fits.

Sometimes Motivation is The Last Thing You Need
I think, at a certain point, motivation can be detrimental to your well-being. Sometimes you need to let yourself fail, give up, let go. Sometimes by releasing the restrictions you have on yourself you'll find something far more wonderful.

What are your thoughts on failure? When has failing led to something better than you could have imagined?


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16 Comments:

  1. When my first marriage exploded, the fact that I went back to school and had some time for myself and no longer felt trapped made my failure as a wife an opportunity to be a success as myself. I learned a lot about myself.
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  2. @Anonymous - that's a great insight. "Failure" is not always a bad thing. To put it another way, we should be changing our definitions of success. Our world may be crashing, but that doesn't mean we're doing something wrong.
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  3. I have always liked the expression...

    Fail your way forward.

    - Derek
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  4. it took me quite some time to realize that I'd never figure out what made me happy until I stopped comparing myself to others. There's a saying in AA: "Indentify, don't compare". I've done that for a while now, and it's made a world of difference.
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  5. @Derek - that's a good one!

    @Norcross - well put, "I'd never figure out what made me happy until I stopped comparing myself to others." So true. It also honors our uniqueness. You know, no two snowflakes...
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  6. Interesting angle here, Milena. I like it, though. Instructive thoughts about allowing yourself to just enjoy the ride, rather than always been focused on plotting your next move, that you're not looking when it's your turn to go right now.
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  7. @Ron - I know my sentiment could seem negative, but far from it. I think sometimes by realizing our limitations, we can actually achieve more. Do things that really make us happy instead of chasing dreams that won't happen.
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  8. I have long thought this.
    I wish my teachers and parents hadn't brainwashed me into believing that this was a meritocracy. I would have chillaxed a whole lot more, and probably still been just as successful at, um, waiting tables as I am now.
    Yeah, I am totally for giving up on your dreams, and preaching realism instead of all that you can be whatever you want to be hogwash.
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  9. Milena, this is a great post! I too have been guilty of comparing myself to others. Fact is, there are always people far fortunate than me and I just can't match up no matter what I try. The solution: be happy with what you've already got and what the nature has given you. Also, it's the ego problem. You have to tame it and accept that you can't have everything you want.

    As for Mary Poppins, I've read that there was this scene where children were told to write down in detail what they wished and then they had to burn those lists. Burning symbolizes coming to grips with the fact that your wish may not be fulfilled. It's ok when it's not fulfilled. And when it is, it's a bonus.
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  10. Well stated...

    Seth Godin has a book that gives advice on this very same topic called The Dip. Check it out!
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  11. @E.H. - good observations!

    @gamalam - crazy! I love that there is a book about knowing when to quit and from the description you linked to, different kinds of quitting and quitters! That's great. I still think more people need to talk about it, to de-stigmatize quitting, it's not always a bad thing.
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  12. @milena Yeah, it's definitely a conversation that should develop into a change in the type of language/propaganda we use to motivate productive members of society. I know I am definitely open to knowing when to stop. There's something to the saying to "quit while the gettings good."

    In the latest Entrepreneur magazine, they talk about how and why the best companies always stay innovative. Basically, it seems that they are always changing the image of their brand BEFORE their success dies out, so when the lull comes they're already on the newest initiative - never to be coming up with something at the last minute. As I consider taking going into business for myself, it just makes me think that if I cannot stay motivated enough to always be innovative in thought, I might want to consider bowing out before the new ideas are no longer there.
    Mind you, these companies have the brightest and best on staff. I might just need to learn when to hire someone for their brain! LOL
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  13. @gamalam - or to quote American Gangster (great movie!), "quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting."

    I'd love to be able to hire someone for ideas, but at this stage in the game, I think blogging is a great way to come up with ideas and bounce them off people. Feedback can be instantaneous and very honest because total strangers are doling it out! : )
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  14. This was extremely interesting for me to read. I'm still working, well, beginning the journey to fulfill my goals. It's interesting to see that sometimes you just need to back off, instead of running head first into the impossible.
    It was also awesome to read the Mary Poppins analogy. She's my favorite!
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  15. @allie - well-put, "running head first into the impossible."

    I think the beginning of journeys are wonderful, and my main point is to keep options open, and don't be discouraged if certain things "fail." Often times these things we think are failures turn out to be more wonderful than what we had in mind. If you say, "Only this one outcome will make me happy." You could be disappointed, even if you achieve something close, or tangent to the original plan!
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  16. this is all such bullshit
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I'm curious to see what you are thinking...

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