I Think I'm Good Enough to Suck

I'm a bit lost these days, a bit uncertain where I'm going. I've felt off-kilter pretty much since I quit my job. I think it's because I suck. In a good way. The concept, borrowed from Julian Sanchez, explains how you can become so good at something you actually become bad at it,

Things that fall into this category—writing, music, art, whatever—are just barely of sufficient quality to get judged by the appropriate “serious” standard (professional journalism, a “real” band), by which standard they fail miserably. If they were only slightly worse, they’d be judged by the more forgiving standards applicable to talented amateurs, and come off quite well.

I think I have reached a certain level in life where I've surpassed goals and competencies that land me at the bottom of a higher plane of achievement. Maybe that's what happens when you decide you've outgrown your job and quit for something new. You cannot bear to turn back, because you promised yourself to attempt better things, to realize your potential. However, you probably suck at them at first because they are unfamiliar and you have no training or mastery.

Maybe that's what happens in graduate school. Everyone is smarter than you. The professors are more intelligent and tenacious than any you've had. They keep saying things like, "You are adults, I'm not keeping an eye on you, so do what you want in this class." And they mean it, it's not a tactic or a mind game. You are treated like an equal, which is scary.

It makes me want to get a PhD just so the people I'm surrounded by these days will take me seriously. I used to be able to impress with a bit of "Big Ten" and "Fortune 500" credentials. Basically everyone I run with is in my shoes, or better. I might be sitting in front of a lawyer getting his MBA and pretend I'm busy when he and the professor tell jokes about the statutes in such-and-such county, so I won't show my ignorance of the humor I probably should be sharing in. In a group project I don't have to fear that I'll be the one to carry all the weight, I have to worry that I'll be the one who doesn't work hard enough.

I have to say, sucking has its benefits. Or at least, realizing you suck, has its benefits. All it means is there is room for growth. Real growth. My limitations are visible to me, but not insurmountable. Sanchez offers,

Folks at the high end of mediocrity—the big fish in the shallow pond—look around and conclude they’re incredibly special...It’s a pretty good rule of thumb that if you think you’re the smartest person you know (and not a Nobel Laureate), you’re probably just not quite sharp enough to have brighter friends. In other words: just short of good-enough-to-suck. Of course, we can tell an equally plausible story that works the other way around: The lower you are in your relevant peer-group ladder, the more uncomfortable an accurate self-assessment is, whereas the second- or third-best along some dimension can be realistic about not being the absolute tops without feeling too bad about it.

I think anyone feeling stagnant needs to look around their pond at the company they keep. Do you constantly feel like you aren't living up to your potential? Do you feel like you could excel at your job, relationships, fill-in-the-blank, but you have no motivation to try? Perhaps you haven't reached a threshold of suckitude (yes, I said that) that compells you to change and strive for something better.

I think deep down, we all know what it is that would make us suck. Whether it's dumping a crap boyfriend, applying for that degree program, or getting a black belt in karate, we already have that list memorized. So, what are you waiting for? It's time to crawl to the bottom (so you can get to the top!)

P.S. - speaking of sucking - can anyone explain to me why my blogger template squishes some of my paragraphs and not others so they are horrifyingly uncomfortable to read? Please help me if you can!