Remember

Last year, on this day, at 5:31 pm, surrounded by family, my sister and I held our father's hands as he took his last breath.

I've been thinking I'd have something brilliant to reveal about grief, after this year has come to a close. I've been hoping I'd be struck with some great moment of peace, and I could report the bitterness has dissolved and I found solace in God and Jesus and love and life, and I cry no more.

I don't cry as much any more, but that's not because the sensitivity to his death has lessened, but my mind has built a protective psychological callous to keep me from collapse. I miss my father just as much, more. It's the regret that hurts the worst. I resent my inability to make enough time for the people I love, my doubt and despair about little things that are meaningless in comparison. I feel because I now have a deep and clear knowledge of how short and important life is, I should be living it much better than I am. But I am only a human. His death didn't make me an angel, just him.

His death has slowly chipped away at some things. My fear of the unknown. Knowing he went first makes me much less afraid to die, and a bit more bold in living. I'm more likely to speak my mind and fight for the things that make me happy and sane, because I can, I should, and he'd want that. I regret it took the monumental weight of his death for me to realize so many things. That's the regret.

I'm going to go to church today and say some prayers for him. One will be this prayer by Bede Jarrett, which I think is beautiful and wanted to share it.

We seem to give them back to thee, O God, who gavest them to us. Yet as thou didst not lose them in giving, so do we not lose them by their return. Not as the world giveth, givest thou, O lover of souls. What thou givest, thou takest away, for what is thine is ours also if we are thine. And life is eternal and love is immortal, and death is only an horizon, and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. Lift us up, strong Son of God, that we may see further; cleanse our eyes that we may see more clearly: draw us closer to thyself that we may know ourselves to be nearer to our loved ones who are with thee. And while thou dost prepare a place for us, prepare us also for that happy place, that where thou art we may be also for evermore. Amen.

I also wanted to share some photos of my father and me. He and I are so much alike in many ways. I think these photos show our relationship well. We weren't always the best at communicating, but we were very close.

He gave the best hugs!

On vacation in Mali Losinj, Croatia. Summer of 2001.

Dancing at my wedding, singing Djelem, Djelem to each other just before the whole family joined in!

Daddy, I love you and miss you.