Everyone's a Junior OBGYN or Child Psychologist

photo by catnipstudios

I don't know what it is about a pregnant woman that brings out unacceptable commentary from the woodwork of humanity. It's as if people see a pregnant woman and they cannot STOP themselves from saying every little thing that comes immediately to mind. There must be a biological mechanism whereby their internal censor shuts off at the sight of a giant belly attached to a hormonally flooded, emotionally spent, sleep and energy-deprived woman.

Here are some of the top questions/comments from friends, family, and total strangers that make me feel even better about pregnancy and impending motherhood (my mental responses are in italics, however, usually I say nothing, smile blankly, and change the subject):

1. Enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. Your life will be complete hell pretty soon.

What exactly am I supposed to be enjoying? The chronic backaches, the loose and unstable joints, the inability to breathe, stand, sit, or move comfortably, the persistent dehydration or floaters in the eyes? I'm just curious, because I'm having SO much flipping fun that I was hoping someone could clarify which part I should try to enjoy the most.

2. Cherish all the alone time with your husband now, you'll never get it back.

I'll make sure to clue him in on this one, since the above list of good times I'm enjoying certainly means he is having an awesome time too. I can tell you, he is likely to cherish the fact we no longer sleep in the same bed, I no longer cook, clean, nor dress nicely with any regularity, and I'm likely to either be napping or crying when he comes home from work. So, yes, I'm sure we're going to just cherish these last few precious alone moments together.

3. Oh, you're having an AUGUST baby. Bad timing on your part!

Funny you should mention that. Since I have God-like control over precisely when my eggs are fertilized, I really should have planned better.

4. What names do you have picked out? {Once they hear the names there is usually dead silence and any one of the following responses}

• That name is rather old-fashioned...well, at least you know no one else will be naming their kids that!
• How could you do that to your child?
• I don't like that name.
• [They make name suggestions, usually including their own name.]

Why didn't you just begin this conversation by reciting your favorite names so we could skip the formalities and your feigned interest in the names I have chosen?

5. Are you eating well?

I try to have a solid diet of Mountain Dew and beef jerky. You see, the Mountain Dew is for energy and the jerky contains all the meat and vitamins a growing baby needs.

6. [Upon learning I plan to use cloth diapers] You won't want to use reusable diapers, we didn't. Do you know how much work it is? You'll want disposables, trust me.

Why should I trust you? Aside from the fact you possess impeccable judgement since you are the person rudely giving me unsolicited advice. I guess you are right though, since the decision to use cloth diapers is completely irrevocable, I suppose I should choose more wisely.

7. [Upon learning I hope to have an unmedicated delivery] You are going to try to give birth without medicine, huh? I guess that's the new trend, but honestly just take the drugs, it's a lot easier, that's what I did.

Way to be intrusive, inappropriate, and unsupportive when discussing one of the most personal and serious choices I'll make in my life. I mean, really, why aren't you my OB-GYN? Distinct from being a "new trend," unmedicated birth is something millions upon millions of women throughout time immemorial (including the present time) have done without drugs and been just fine.

Furthermore, I'm glad your confidence in my reasoning skills led you to bother to find out the intimate details of my decision and the variety of scenarios I have painstakingly considered and am prepared for in the event medical intervention is required or desired before you spouted your worldview while remaining steadfastly oblivious to others'.

8. Don't homeschool your kids, we would never do that to our kids. Don't you want them to be socialized? What about sports and other group activities? What about the prom?

Do you have any other reference point for homeschooling aside from the peculiar and anomalous family you saw on "Wife Swap" whose unkempt yard they like to call a "farm", claims they teach from "The School of Life," their eldest son wears sweatpants that are unusually small, the father is some kind of conspiracy theorist, the mom never cleans the house so the kids can learn about "science," and no one in the family can perform even the most basic math functions?

I'm not planning on raising feral children kept in cages without human interaction like some kind of freak experiment. And similar to using reusable diapers - homeschooling is not an irrevocable decision.

Oh, and my senior prom was one of the most pointless and traumatic nights of my life, full of underage drinking and otherwise repugnant behavior by teens who I don't believe would pass for properly "socialized" by even the most loose standards, so I won't feel too bad possibly "depriving" my child of such an experience.

9. You're going to breastfeed? (Insert dubious or repulsed expression here.) Just make sure you cover it up in public!

First of all, I can tell by the look on your face you think breastfeeding is impossible or disgusting. As to your exhortation to "cover up" I can only say I understand your trepidation completely. You know me...always whipping out the twins in public. I'm actually just now preparing for the post-natal edition of Girls Gone Wild...