Parenting is really hard. Just for the record.

Usually when I can't stop thinking about something, it's time for me to write about it. That's what happened when I read this NPR article on parenting and I woke up still thinking about it. 

Parenthood Got You Down?

A baby is like the worst houseguest ever: endlessly demanding, keeping you up at all hours, needing to be fed and making a mess of the whole place. 

And the little darling never leaves. 

People don't talk about this enough. It's really hard, being a parent. At times, it's crushing. But you're never allowed to say this.

There is a lot wrong with just this opening thesis and the language used to describe babies/children. The implication of "it's really hard, being a parent" sets up a false dichotomy, as if something "really hard" cannot also be "really amazing" or "really rewarding" or "really the best thing that's ever happened to me, really."

Talk to a marathon runner who is blabbering about the runner's high. Running for miles on end, (usually resulting in blisters, fractures, and fatigue) on it's surface, sounds grueling. However, I can still understand how for someone else it could be an exhilarating and worthwhile pursuit, though "really hard." Insert anything else quite difficult, yet rewarding: becoming a doctor, playing professional football, being a CEO, climbing mountains, becoming a monk, etc. Becoming a parent is no different! It's "really hard," yet, "really rewarding." That's why the combined value of a stay at home parent's "services" is six figures! People making six figures generally work "really hard." But I'm guessing they do so because they think it's worth it.

The author claims, "People don't talk about this enough." Really? Isn't that what every family-themed movie and sitcom is about (like that super-popular-because-it's-so-relatable-show-Parenthood)? Isn't that what every mommy blog is about? I dunno, I bet if you Google "It's hard being a parent" you'd find plenty of complaining and support for the cause. The author also says (as if it's an indictment on the parent),

People feel the need to extol the joy a child has brought into their lives, even and especially at those moments when their frustration or anxiety might be at its peak...

In contemporary culture, we're able to share almost every other type of problem. Say you got mugged — all your friends will tell you their crime stories. Admit that there are members of your family with mental illness, and you'll be amazed how many people struggle with the same issues. 

But parents are not expected to complain, to say how — maybe just on this particular day, at this very hour — it's not all lavender and honey. Instead, a creeping feeling of inadequacy and social isolation only makes those bad parenting days worse.

I think contemporary culture makes complaining too easy, and if anything, it should be a little less acceptable to share your latest non-life-threatening problem - of which, parenting is one. Describing parenting as a problem is problematic itself. Parenting is not an illness; it is not a mugging - so the comparisons to those serious, completely involuntary problems is incongruent, dishonest, and quite frankly, insulting to people who are in situations where their lives have been threatened. Parenting is more like a job or a vocation - something taken on purposefully, with forethought, and desire from within - that while the pursuit may be difficult, it is often met with genuine, abundant joy.

Reading between the lines it seems this author is collapsing the two aspects of parenting (the mechanical vs. the psychic) and saying, "Oh wait, I thought babies and kids were supposed to be fun...I'm not happy all the time...someone told me this was great...that must mean parenting sucks...I better tell everyone since no one knows!" and is just getting confused.

The author finally asks,

Parents: Let's make a deal. Let's be honest with each other, or at least one friend, that there are times when the whole enterprise feels like a bad idea. Let's be less alone with this and maybe even laugh about it, putting aside for just a few minutes the earnest need always to say, omigod it's so great.

I don't know. The phrase that really gets me is "whole enterprise." Nope. I'd never say that. I'd never say, not even think to myself, "Actually, in toto parenting is or feels like a bad idea." That would be a lie. It's not. Omigod it IS the best thing ever. Sorry you don't feel the same.

I dunno, I don't lie to my friends when they asked me about my pregnancy, and now, parenthood. Here is what I might say,

Me on Pregnancy and Labor: It sucks! It was pretty much the worst time I've had in my life except maybe the second trimester. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat because it was awesome. And you get a baby at the end...oh my thoughts on that?

Me on Parenting: It sucks! I have no free time, I'm always tired, and I'm always second-guessing myself. But pretty much the best thing I've ever done and I've never been happier. I miss her if I'm gone for even an hour or the second she goes to bed at night!

There is nothing incongruent about my statements. "It sucks" and "It's the best" live in perfect harmony. That's because the statements are really, "It sucks (because from the mechanical perspective, it's repetitive and I'm tired)" and "It's the best (because from a psychic perspective the knowledge and reward that I made a human I love and who loves me back and is learning and growing is a frickin' miracle every day and that never escapes my notice.)"

So, yeah. Parenting is really hard. Just for the record. Hope no one is caught off-guard anymore.

What do you think?

Coco and me, gloriously happy, all the time. Even when we are cranky and tired. : )