Finding My New Path in Life

It’s been a long time since I've sat at my home computer to write, what feels like ages in blogging terms where communication moves so fast you feel like a slug if you respond in less than 24 hours. I’m back from a vacation in the countries of the former Yugoslavia, the lands of my ancestors, the cities my father lived and walked, the places he took my mother during their courtship.

This trip has been life changing and life affirming. It has been a salve, and a glue. It felt like a month, but was two short weeks. I climbed mountains spilling over with waterfalls, ventured into caves, toured the Adriatic coast of Croatia and glacial lakes of Slovenia, I traveled the serpentine roads of war-ravaged Bosnia, I spoke to the people in their language. I ate the food, drank the wine, danced the dances. The whole shebang.

I had the time of my life. I wrote a post recently about how change is not affecting me like it used to, but change is continuing to happen, almost against my will. It’s exciting, but for the first time I’m accepting change with a peace and calm previously unknown. I don’t know if it is because I’m older, married, making tough career decisions, or saw my father pass away. I don’t know if these life passages make change easier or what. I don’t know if it’s a natural progression. I only know I’ve never felt this way.

I feel like I’m stepping into a completeness I never imagined I would have. Not because it's not possible, but because it's reserved for people a bit more sane than I. More deserving. I don’t know if it’s because I’m embracing faith, I don’t know if it’s because I’m letting old wounds heal, I don’t know if it’s because I’m letting hackneyed arguments fade. I don’t know.

I don’t know why I feel this way. It feels incredible, yet mundane. Still. Of this world. Grounded in reality. Whole and contented. On the right path.

Is it because I’ve strayed from myself for so long, that this is what it feels like to be true to myself? Is this what all those writers I’d been drawn to my whole life also experienced and wanted to share, and I’d rail against them in disbelief? Is this what my parents had wanted for me? Is this what I’ve always wanted and now it’s here?

I’m reluctant to say yes. I’m scared that an affirmation will break the spell. You know, like when you are told to make a wish which will only come true if you promise not to breathe a word of it? I’m frightened that if I tell you that I’ve become happy that it will all fizzle and fade because I’ve courted fear and forboding for so long.

I don’t expect to be floating on a bliss-cloud forever. But even drudgery feels different. The bad experiences I have had lately don’t feel like they were tailor-made to crush and beat me down. They feel more like the natural bumps on the path of a well-worn life. This is the point. I’m back on the path. I’m moving forward. I’m not stopped and stuck on the side of the road, seeing life ahead and refusing to go with it. I got back on my horse.

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Rare Advice for Falling in Love

As a madly in love, happily married woman who recently (and I think successfully) hooked up two of her single friends, I have garnered priceless love data. I have researched my findings with other happily married or otherwise paired couples and I'm willing to share now that I've tested it on someone else.

1. Go for Quantity, Not Quality: If you are still single and looking for love, you need to go on as many dates as humanly possible. You need to ask your friends, co-workers, and yes, even your parents to hook you up. Try internet dating. As long as you meet in public, with whom it matters not. Like the efficient market theory, I believe in the efficient dating theory: that eventually by wading through all the crap you will find a priceless commodity, the one you don't trade up for because you've found a mate that will make your love equity skyrocket.

2. Hold Your Tongue: Like having sex on the first date, learn to say “No” to sharing the first thing that comes to mind in the frenzy of feelings that ensues when you first think you’ve found The One. Learn to walk the fine line between intimacy and annoyance. After a week or so, we tend to get comfortable, clingy, and our feelings get hurt if The One isn't following the puppetry of our expectations. That's when things start getting weird. Just don't say anything. I don't mean lie, or withhold important matters. Simply, don't be quick to judge or harshly opine with your new mate. You don't know anything about them, and be assured, though you find their beard trimming habits tragic, or their politics dismal, they will find your inability to leave the house without doubling back three times, or affinity for sci-fi equally horrendous.

3. No More Hairy Eyeball: You'll know you are in love when you are out and about, oblivious to glances from other potential suitors. I can say with assurance (sorry guys) that with every other boyfriend, I'd still be receptive to flirting with other guys. However, it all went away when I was dating my husband. It was like other men no longer existed in time and space. And on the off chance that my eyes met theirs, instead of getting all tingly inside, I'd laugh. A maudlin laugh as if seeing a sad clown, knowing that he could never capture my attention when I'd already got it so good.

4. Bridge Burning: Probably the most significant, and cathartic revelation in love is when you willingly, and happily, remove remnants from the wayward past you shared with various exes. I recommend gleefully cheering "Burn those bridges!" as you proceed. Deleting old phone numbers and ridiculous love emails is a delight, mementos you couldn’t bear to toss are now donated without mourning, and the only photos you keep are group shots or events you want to remember, not the singular poses of a beloved that used to arouse your affection. They now leave you unstirred.

Learn from me because I once was a bitter single woman. Painfully existing through the solitude of ice cream binges and Law & Order marathons alone. Ice cream and Law & Order are just so much better with a husband to share them.

Go get a room.

Or if you are not ready for commitment, try a small step, like subscribing to Shouting to Quiet the Thunder.